Find where you are on this chart by taking this quiz. These questions raise issues about the continuity of security in relationships: (1) whether a person’s attachment style is the same in every romantic relationship, and (2) whether a person’s attachment style stays the same through the course of a relationship (Fraley, 2010).
Why do I feel needy with one person and apathetic with another?
The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with.
Avoidants need their partners to be needy and incapable so that they can feels independent and powerful.”“Quite soon into the relationship you start to get mixed signals. He is interested in you, but lets you know that he is still playing the field. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. Then he pulls back and you live in suspense, waiting for the next positive reinforcement.
Here’s how women get stuck in the bad boy rut:“Research shows that after you live this way for a while, you start to do something interesting.
You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short burst of joy with love.
This is perhaps the best reason of all to date with seriousness of purpose in your 20s.
What’s more they will also gradually learn how to communicate their fears and emotional better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.”Bottom line: 70% of the population has relationship potential, and attachment style is the most crucial compatibility factor.
When you’re still getting to know someone, you don’t usually have the insight and information represented in the Cheat Sheet above.
Heller and Levine helpfully specify behaviors that signal the Avoidant attachment style:“Falling in love requires putting your soul in your partner’s hand for safekeeping.
We know that women with low self-esteem are the most likely to be drawn to bad boys and to tolerate their disrespectful behavior.
The Avoidant/Anxious pairing creates a vicious cycle of dysfunction that is hard to break.