He would come home and him and my mom would have EPIC fights that would end in one of two ways: either he would pass out on the bathroom floor after puking his guts out or he would lock himself in the 2nd bedroom with a closet full of hunting rifles and scare my mom to the point of catatonia. If anything was ever said (and that was a big IF) it was my mom making excuses and telling us that he is a good man that works hard and supports his family so we should all make allowances for his behavior. My mom and him are still together, married now 45 years. Today was a rough day-but I’m managing and taking care of the little one.I was the one who had to try and protect my little brother and do everything I could to keep the peace and prevent anyone from doing anything to trigger his anger.. My question to you Natasha is this: what happens when a woman IS the exception to the rule? We have NEVER NEVER NEVER talked about ANY of this as a family. I think they have tried to make it up to me by being overly involved in my life and always being available if I ever needed anything. I’ve even started to set BOUNDARIES with other people and have stopped accommodating 😳 Say whaaaat?So every time I saw my Dad, he was just trying to make the most out of the day and as great as that was, it disallowed a certain realness and connectivity that would have been there if I was able to see him and live with him on a daily basis.Dad and I didn’t really get into the heavy stuff because we just wanted to enjoy our day.She convinces herself that he’ll change and scares herself into the submission of believing that if she lets him go, he’ll combust into the man of her dreams with another, “better” girl.If you have a dad that’s present, celebrate him today and if you don’t have a dad, father yourself by making the promise that you’re not going to be at the end of your life years from now saying “I see it all now. ” You’re never going to be at the end of your life one day, wishing that you got hurt and devalued more.A few months ago, I was talking to my friend David Kessler, telling him that I couldn’t believe how a particular person in my life knew what buttons to push that would drive me over the edge. of relationship with your Father or a significant male figure from your childhood.“How do they know how to get under my skin and push my buttons? “It’s not who pushes your buttons, it’s who programmed you.” A Light-Bulb-Moment-WHOA-“aha! Since it’s Father’s Day today, this whole week I’ve been thinking about my own daddy issues, how they’ve affected me, why they’ve haunted me for so long and really, why the hell I even had such deep daddy issues in the first place when I have a Dad that’s consistently been nothing short of amazing. This becomes an addictive pattern because it creates this feeling of comfort due to the familiarity but also creates a perpetual underlying feeling of dis-ease in your relationships.
You stop negative patterns right in their tracks because you immediately know better.If you’re wondering why you keep going after emotionally unavailable men, it’s because you’re chasing the familiar.You’re going after the only thing you know and you convince yourself that if you can do the one thing that no human will ever be able to do (make another person change out of being who they are), then that will invalidate Dad and de-pedestal him; it will deactivate the pain he caused, prove him to be wrong and your Happily Ever After can now begin.As I got older, this led to me going after guys that were not only emotionally and physically fleeting, but that were completely emotionally disconnected and narcissistic.I had become emotionally unavailable myself and I still battle my reverse narcissism to this day.